There are the days
by LianneZ4
Summary: Vader defeated Obi-Wan on Mustafar and taken him and Padmé captive. He has won... or has he really?  AU, four years after ROTS


_Summary: __Vader defeated Obi-Wan on Mustafar and took him and Padmé. He has won… or has he really?_

**There are the days **

A new day begins.

The sun rises on Coruscant.

Darth Vader opens his eyes. In the next room, his wife Padmé is still sleeping.

While Vader puts his clothes on, his thoughts are wandering around. He briefly wonders about the new day, whether he'll have to kill another senator today, if his master will be pleased with him for locating the two Jedi, and what he will teach him about the Dark side. Then he kneels on the floor and meditates for half an hour.

Later, as he eats his breakfast, he calls the caretaker to come later to feed his wife, because through the Force his feelings are telling him that she won't be able to do so herself today. Finally he checks his lightsaber, checks the hood that is covering most of his face and swiftly walks out of the door of their flat, only to return back for the comlink he has forgotten on his bedside table.

He never once looks back at her.

_There are the days when __Padmé Amidala wakes and starts screaming. Those are the days that Vader resents, though he is well prepared for them – his stock of sedatives would easily be able to compete against those in some smaller hospitals. Sometimes he doesn't use a sedative and just Force-suggests her to sleep again. He hates when it works though, because it reminds him of the strong will she has lost. Hence the sedatives._

Vader walks to his speeder and turns on the engines.

_There are the days when __she comes to him while he's still sleeping and wakes him up, calling him "Anakin", crying and asking where they are, because she can't remember anything. Usually Vader sedates her, too. But occasionally, it stirs something in him and he just holds her until she stops crying, feeding her with fabrications about their life together. Then he makes her breakfast and helps her with her hair, promising to do everything she wished that day, knowing well it won't last. She watches him curiously and laughs at him, telling him she can take care of herself but thanking him for being a gentleman, and hesitantly, softly kisses him with a passion he can't return anymore._

_He enjoys her touch and love until something happens and she either stops responding, starts crying again or screeches at him to get out._

Vader rides the speeder through the streets of Corruscant; not too slow, but not too fast either. The trill of quick and dangerous flying left him long ago. Now, he does what he must and his first goal is effectiveness. Besides, no reason to give his Master any reason for displeasure. He has adapted.

_There are the days when he brings her breakfast in the morning when he feels she is well enough. If they are lucky, she thinks it is the time of the Clone wars. Sometimes, she remembers the babies and asks in terror where 'he' is. Each time Vader placates her with different answers, once telling her that Sola is watching Luke, next time he's in the school and sometimes he's in the Jedi Temple, training with Obi-Wan. (And Vader is very glad that Padmé thinks their child to be a boy, so he doesn't have to lie to her about Leia, his sweet Leia who __had the horrible accident that dreadful day__). When Padmé is assured that Luke is all right, Vader sometimes takes her for a small walk outside, unless the Emperor calls and he has to drug her again._

Vader growls in annoyance when a speeder nearly crashes into his. He briefly considers strangling the driver with the Force, but decides again it and instead sends the young girl a mental image of her headless body. He twists his lips in mild amusement when he feels the teenager's fear.

_There are the days when Padmé thinks she's still the Queen of Naboo and refuses to treat Vader as her husband. Otherwise she looks quite happy, so sometimes he lets her live in that delusion. Other times he just demands what is rightfully his and bitterly leaves her when she won't cooperate. He shatters all her illusions and shows her the ugly, stable and peaceful galaxy outside just to spite her and break her heart. After that, she usually just relapses to her crazy state of mind and he leaves._

Vader slows down and parks his speeder near the Senate building (Senate, what a joke. His _Master_ rules all anyway). He briefly touches his lightsaber when he remembers the Human Jedi and his twelve year old Twi'lek Padawan. He wishes his Master would let him deal with them, because Sith Apprentice or not, Vader can't help but feel trapped on Coruscant and they could be his chance to get away for a while.

_There are the days when Padmé remembers exactly what happened on Mustafar and feels like it was only a day or two. Vader tried only once to talk her out of her __feelings of betrayal and fear. When he kissed her, she attempted to secretly stab him with a knife to his back. In those days Vader usually shuts her up and locks her in their apartment. _

Vader contemplates the possibility of asking the Emperor for permission to hunt the Jedi. Then he decides against it. He wants to avoid the Sith lightning as much as possible.

_Then there are the days when Padmé remembers everything. More than that, she remembers and forgives him… sort of. In these rare occasions, it is not him comforting her, but rather she having his head in her lap while she gently strokes his hair and hums a Naboo song. He feels her tears falling on his face while the wetness won't leave his own eyes. They both cry silently, afraid to bother the other one. In those days, those incredible, __cherished, precious days he listens to her every word, every plea, every command. She is strong and unbroken, beautiful again. In the days that shine like stars in his deepest night of cold space, he calls her Angel and she calls him Ani, and for a few borrowed whiles he feels like Anakin Skywalker again. He never leaves in those whiles, not even when his Master is calling him, because he can take any amount of pain to prolong the feeling of forgiveness for a few more minutes or seconds. _

_Although those days are extremely few and far between, they can shape the galaxy. Vader remembers all five of them, but mostly the first one; the day when he released Obi-Wan Kenobi and gave his six months old son to him to hide and protect. He also remembers the Emperor's wrath and the fact that when he returned home badly battered and weakened, he found his wife assaulted and at the brink of death. It took Padmé eight months before she came out of her unresponsive state and almost a year before she spoke again. Vader understood the message- and he has never let himself be caught disloyal again._

_To this day, not even the best agents Palpatine sent have been able to bring Luke back, and Vader owes Kenobi a debt._

Vader walks the Senate halls and watches as the Senators avoid him nervously. They have a reason to fear him – he has become quite infamous in the short four years. He considers choking a man who looks at him defiantly, but realizes that it would only get him in trouble. Vader values his and Padmé's well-being too much to risk it for a short moment of pleasure.

_But most of the time, there are the days when she just stares at the wall and doesn't react to anything around her__. A part of Vader hates those days, because it shows him how much of a monster he is when he has done this to her. Another part of him enjoys those days, because he can simply ignore her, forget about her. When he doesn't see her, he doesn't have to think about her suffering. When she is silent and unresponsive, she can't shy away from him in horror or blame him for the death of their life. When she lies in her bed and the nurse spoon-feeds her, he can almost forget how beautiful she once was. When she doesn't meet his gaze, he can almost forget the deep compassion and grief in her eyes. When she doesn't answer his firm words with her gentle, quiet voice, he can almost forget how much he once loved her, and when he leaves her room and she doesn't call him back, he can almost forget that he still does._

Suddenly, Vader notices Bail Organa talking to one of the other Senators. Organa is smiling and nodding as he explains some idiotic Alderaanian habit to the other man. Vader is filled with rage.

This man has a healthy, loving wife. This man once told Vader that his wife is unable to bear children. This man has just adopted a four months old baby girl. This man doesn't have the Force or political power, yet what he has is what Vader wants the most.

Vader imagines killing Bail Organa for having what Vader has not. In the end, he just invites the man to visit Vader's sick wife and takes great pleasure in ruining Organa's day with the mention of Padmé's mental state.

It doesn't make Vader himself any happier, but he still takes satisfaction in taking away Bail's happiness for even a short while.

_Every now and then, __there are the days when Vader is honest with himself. He admits then that he did destroy Padmé's life and the happiness of their family. He also admits that were he not such a selfish, evil monster, he would let Padmé go, because in his heart, he knows she might recover if she didn't see him every day, every night. In those days, Vader desperately tries to renounce the Dark side and return to the Light, only to fall even deeper when he drowns in rage at his failure. At times, he concedes that the choice he made has gone horribly wrong. He then says to himself that one day, he will let Padmé leave, or that she will recover on her own. He says than one day his son will come and everything will be all right. He says that all this is the Jedi's and Palpatine's fault._

Vader brings his hand up and knocks at the Emperor's door.

_However, __no matter what is there in the day, the nights are all very similar. _

"Enter."

_At nights, Vader acknowledges that he will never let Padmé go, because while her presence is eating him from inside and destroying him every second of his being, he needs her even more to go on. At nights, he knows that __Padmé will never get better as long as he remains in the Dark, and he knows that he will remain in the Dark as long as Padmé is ill. He knows that the Force technique that saved Padmé's life killed little Leia in the process and he knows that some unconscious part of Padmé knows that and resents him for it. At nights, Vader knows it wasn't Kenobi's fault. At nights Vader hates himself for murdering his baby daughter and driving his wife insane. At nights, Vader knows that when Luke finally comes, it will be to kill him and save what is left of his mother._

_At nights, Vader knows that were he a true Sith, he could heal Padmé. He also knows that were he a true Sith, he would kill her. She is keeping him in the soulless Darkness, but there is this ugly sparkle of sick green light that just won't die. At nights, Vader knows that as long as Padmé lives, he won't find peace; however, if she died, he would lose even the disgusting parody on light, so he can't let her go._

Vader opens the door and walks into the room to kneel in front of his Master.

"What is your biding, my Master?"

_There are the days when Vader hates himself. He lives in these days from the time he killed the first youngling in the Jedi __Temple. Most of these days he ignores the reality and pretends to be blind and deaf so he can continue to exist._

_There are the nights when Vader knows the tru__th, but wishes to pretend anyway. At nights, he wonders about the future that might have been. Sometimes, he almost succeeds in making himself believe the pretty lies and illusions of darkness. _

_But between the days an__d nights, there are the very short times of dawn. In dawn, the shadows aren't so dark and the daylight doesn't show the whole cruel picture. When dawns come, Vader doesn't pretend. Instead, he hopes and prays to the Force. He hopes that one day, his wife and son might find each other. He hopes that one day, he will make this right so Padmé could be proud of him and Luke could love him. He prays that one day, the sun will overcome the shadows, that stars will shine in the night sky and the pain and grief will become only a memory._

Darth Sidius smiles. "You have served me well, Lord Vader. Very well, enjoy your little hunt and destroy the Jedi."

_Unfortunately, Vader doesn't believe in dawn._

"Thank you, my Master."

Darth Vader bows and leaves the room.

_Another day begins._

* * *

_**Author's note: Big thanks goes to Rainsaber, who beta-read the story.**  
_


End file.
